Sometimes I don't believe that I am good enough... It seems like wherever I go I end up in the group who decides I'm not up to par. I'm excluded and end up being talked about behind my back. Why?
I don't know why but mean girls seem to always zero in on my fear. They sense my insecurity and find that to be fun for them. Maybe it makes them feel superior. Have you seen "Rebecca"? It's an Alfred Hitchcock movie, and a favorite of mine. In the story the new bride is not even named. She is constantly compared with the widower's lovely former wife, Rebecca. This sweet, demure and unsure new wife does not realize that she is Mistress of Manderley. She does not know that she has power and strength. She could fire the overpowering maid, Mrs. Danvers, if she wanted to, but she is so insecure that she does not know it. The servant sees her weakness and plays upon it.
This is how it was for me, for a whole school year. The principal at my school liked me. She wanted to keep me, but we did not have enough kindergarteners this year, so I did not have a class. She put me in a job share with a third grade teacher, who thought she was going to be a full-day teacher. I immediately felt resented. The teacher, I had to share a job with, I believe, saw my weakness and insecurity, and thrived on over-powering me. It must have made her feel superior to me, to be compared with me, and, she; always came out on top. Yes, it's true that some people should not try to be something they are not.
Perhaps teaching is not my best skill. Maybe I should never have pursued this as a career. I put in 110%, worked nights, weekends, and I came in early. Every day I arrived quaking in my boots. A student picked up on my fear and began heckling me. I tried new things...daily. I love my students. I did many things for them. I spent my own money to make lessons fun. I began shaking. A looming parent came in regularly to "help"(spy on me). I heard later, that she gossiped about me at school and at her church. The tears I cried filled buckets.
I could feel the whispers of parents, teachers, teacher's aids; some sympathetic, others, almost enjoying the drama and watching me fail, but some, those working closest to me (3rd grade team) had no sympathy; only pity and insensitivity toward me. Didn't they see how humiliated I was? Didn't they see that I was doing my best and nobody cared? Each day I went to school was unbearable.
You are nothing. You will never measure up! Continued...
What does God say? "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans for good not for evil." Jeremiah 29:11