This is my life journal. I'm a Christian who is a happily married wife and mother.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Sometimes we bloggers are going through tough times and we don't let on. I've been going through a bit of a struggle for the last four years. I switched from being a full time stay at home mom and homeschooling my four children, to working part time and now having them in public school. I did this from the wishes of my husband. Honestly, I am so happy and at peace. Here is where the struggle comes in...
I still had all of my books. Books to remind me that I failed at homeschooling. Curriculum to remind me that some day maybe I'll be a full time teacher in public school and I will use these again (used this excuse just so I could hold on to these books longer-- not wanting to give up my dream).
These books had become an anchor weighing me down. They were actually an idol to me. Don't get me wrong, these very books could be in another mother's home and serving their purpose just fine. Not in my home. You see instead of inquiring of the Lord to how I should teach, or even to ask His help, I trusted in more curriculum. I used more stuff as my security.
I bought more and more until my shelves were exploding. (No, this is not my house, I got it off the Internet). When we choose to trust in something other than our Lord God, it becomes an idol. It dawned on me one day when my sister Kelli looked at my bookshelves and said, "You don't have much confidence, do you Kathi?" She was right. It was clear that I was not trusting in God. I bought every curriculum from every company just to stay afloat and just to hope that I could do well.
After failing, and putting my kids in public school, they began to thrive. I did too. I took baby steps in trusting God through each day. My new trust was in the Lord and not in hiding at home and cowering in curriculum. My sister, Kelli, who still home schools, is doing a fabulous job. She trusts in the Lord. Well, I trust in the Lord and I know now that my kids are right where they need to be. Okay, back to the curriculum...
It was time to rid my shelves of all of those beloved books. They had a hold on me; after all, they had become an idol to me. I made a phone call and soon it was over. I delivered the books box by box to a deserving home school mother. I never looked back. I do pray that she loves them and rejoices at receiving them for her children and they are used fully.
I myself feel light and the weight has been lifted. The thought of having anything more to do with these books became distasteful to me. Those books are not an idol to their new owner, but they were to me. I'm no longer in the snare and trap Satan had laid for me. I'm walking with new eyes into this new chapter of my life, with bare shelves and a clean slate. I am free to be the wife and mother my family needs.
Praise God!! I must tell you that many time I froze in fear and terror when loading those boxes. I have an inkling of what a hoarder feels. I cried many tears. I failed at what I longed to do and someone else gets to succeed; and using "MY" books. Ugh, I said it, the word "my." No, no, this is the part that is so tough. admitting that I don't get to succeed in this. My answer is this: Take one day at a time holding Jesus' hand.
I now have a place to display my thriftstore cookbooks; so cheerful, they look; a tiny joy for me. I not only have the fun of starting a new season in my life, but I get to watch the fruit from obeying the Lord and placing my faith in Him, not in things. I believe that this really is God's plan for me. Four years ago when I said, "yes" to my husband about public school, I was elated. My smile was so huge at the grocery store while pushing my cart.
I couldn't stop smiling and thanking the Lord for being right there with me. I'm sure people noticed. They may have wondered. That, my friends, is peace that only the Lord can give. This kind of peace has no other explanation. Blessings, Kathi
"My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare." Psalm 25:15