Friday, December 9, 2011

An Idol

Sometimes we bloggers are going through tough times and we don't let on. I've been going through a bit of a struggle for the last four years. I switched from being a full time stay at home mom and homeschooling my four children, to working part time and now having them in public school. I did this from the wishes of my husband. Honestly, I am so happy and at peace. Here is where the struggle comes in...
I still had all of my books. Books to remind me that I failed at homeschooling. Curriculum to remind me that some day maybe I'll be a full time teacher in public school and I will use these again (used this excuse just so I could hold on to these books longer-- not wanting to give up my dream).
These books had become an anchor weighing me down. They were actually an idol to me. Don't get me wrong, these very books could be in another mother's home and serving their purpose just fine. Not in my home. You see instead of inquiring of the Lord to how I should teach, or even to ask His help, I trusted in more curriculum. I used more stuff as my security.
I bought more and more until my shelves were exploding. (No, this is not my house, I got it off the Internet). When we choose to trust in something other than our Lord God, it becomes an idol. It dawned on me one day when my sister Kelli looked at my bookshelves and said, "You don't have much confidence, do you Kathi?" She was right. It was clear that I was not trusting in God. I bought every curriculum from every company just to stay afloat and just to hope that I could do well.
After failing, and putting my kids in public school, they began to thrive. I did too. I took baby steps in trusting God through each day. My new trust was in the Lord and not in hiding at home and cowering in curriculum. My sister, Kelli, who still home schools, is doing a fabulous job. She trusts in the Lord. Well, I trust in the Lord and I know now that my kids are right where they need to be.  Okay, back to the curriculum...
It was time to rid my shelves of all of those beloved books. They had a hold on me; after all, they had become an idol to me. I made a phone call and soon it was over. I delivered the books box by box to a deserving home school mother. I never looked back. I do pray that she loves them and rejoices at receiving them for her children and they are used fully.
I myself feel light and the weight has been lifted. The thought of having anything more to do with these books became distasteful to me.  Those books are not an idol to their new owner, but they were to me. I'm no longer in the snare and trap Satan had laid for me. I'm walking with new eyes into this new chapter of my life, with bare shelves and a clean slate. I am free to be the wife and mother my family needs.
Praise God!!  I must tell you that many time I froze in fear and terror when loading those boxes. I have an inkling of what a hoarder feels. I cried many tears. I failed at what I longed to do and someone else gets to succeed; and using "MY" books. Ugh, I said it, the word "my." No, no, this is the part that is so tough. admitting that I don't get to succeed in this. My answer is this: Take one day at a time holding Jesus' hand.
I now have a place to display my thriftstore cookbooks; so cheerful, they look; a tiny joy for me. I not only have the fun of starting a new season in my life, but I get to watch the fruit from obeying the Lord and placing my faith in Him, not in things. I believe that this really is God's plan for me. Four years ago when I said, "yes" to my husband about public school, I was elated. My smile was so huge at the grocery store while pushing my cart.
I couldn't stop smiling and thanking the Lord for being right there with me. I'm sure people noticed. They may have wondered. That, my friends, is peace that only the Lord can give. This kind of peace has no other explanation.
Blessings, Kathi
"My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare." Psalm 25:15


Anonymous said...

Kathi, you are success story! You obeyed and are now living your life in God's will. Thank you for sharing your struggles. You are such an encouragement to others as we go through our struggles and trials here on Earth. God Bless You!! Sarah V. North Carolina

Rose of Sharon said...

Kathi, I am so sorry this has been so hard for you, but the beauty is you learned such a great lesson about trusting God and letting go of a false security. You know, you have great kids and that just didn't happen by accident, just because you guys took a different route with starting with homeschool and then switching midway, doesn't mean that you failed. You tried something that you thought was right in their lives and then you tried something else. Your kids are happy, loving, smart and successful! Be proud! I also know that all of your kids have really good memories of you homeschooling them! You were wise to listen to your husband. I'm thankful that you are free of the heavy burden and guilt that those books gave you.

I am proud of you!!!

I love you!

A Romantic Porch said...

Kathi, It is so amazing the things that Satan uses to bring us guilt and struggles. I just love the way you can be so frank about all of it.

Life is so so hard and you didn't fail. That was what you did for that season. Now is a new season.

I have to say that to myself so much (this is just a season).

Above all you are being blessed because you were submissive and respectful to your husband's wishes...but that is another posting for another time!

I just love coming here and seeing someone that I can relate to in her walk with the Lord, her love for her husband and family and home. I hope I get to meet you and Sharon sometime!
Have a wonderful day! xo rachel

Ramblings of a Southern Girl ~ Rhonda G said...

Awesome Post, Kathi! Thanks for sharing this post on a personal struggle the Lord has helped you come through, come to grips with, trust in Him for, and have peace about! I would have loved to homeschool my children as well. For the most part, they are obedient and listen, but as for teaching them, I didn't have that gift and helping with homework alone was a major struggle!!! We clashed terribly! I really admire those that do homeschool. But God gives each of us gifts and they aren't always the ones we want, are they? You are so encouraging and supportive, I'm sure the Lord uses you to minister to other kids, and your kid's friends, that they wouldn't know if it weren't for public school! With your warm, mothering personality, I know the Lord is using you!

Thanks for the sweet comments you always leave on my post! Your kindness is so uplifting! :)

Ramblings of a Southern Girl ~ Rhonda G said...

Oh, and don't feel as though you failed. In everything there is a season. What seems to work for awhile, can change, at God's will! Homeschooling might have been more beneficial than you realize before their season in public school! Be encouraged! :)


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