I Need At Least 24 Hours To Cry...Identity Crisis

I did not push my kids and have high enough expectation. I did not set dead-lines. I am sad for this reason and because I will miss them so much. So many of my friends (I know we are not supposed to compare), are excelling at home-schooling. Many of them have their children going to college at age 15 or 16; not me. Mine are average, and even needing extra help. Below is picture of me during one of my recent crying moments.

I am no longer a home-school mother. Tomorrow all four of my children will attend public school. My husband and I both agree on this decision. They need structure, deadlines, friends, and to be challenged. Our oldest son, Harrison, did attend high school last year, and did well. I missed him so much. This year all of them will be away from me for eight hours each day. Most of you mothers went through this when you put your little ones on the bus in first grade. I am going through it now.
Here is a page from my scrapbook of one of our first days of school years ago. I loved home-schooling my children. I loved being close to them all day. I did however have a few wrong motives; one being fear of the world. I wanted to shelter them. I even became prideful during the mid-years, and thought I could do much better than the public schools. God sets Himself against the proud man. Those were not glorifying-to-God years.

Me teaching an English lesson a few years back. After I bombed and the kids had less than favorable test scores, I began reaching burn out. I was not doing well in any area. My house was always messy, we were always behind, so found it difficult to enjoy summer; had to have summer school.
Memories of us going on a picnic and drawing the Trillium's out in "Shady Thicket." Even though these were fun times; they were hard for me. I began worrying and fretting; not trusting God. I began comparing myself to all other home-school mothers. I began getting defensive of H.S.
Even though it was hard, there were so many fun times. I will let myself cry for 24 hours. I think crying is good, (actually I have been crying for the past few days on and off). After all I am going through an identity crisis. I have been a home-school mother since the beginning. I even used to wear jumpers and only dresses for awhile, if you can believe that (who said it's a sin to be in style?). I have been through so many good and hard times, but I think I reached burn out three years ago, but I could not give it up.
On the flip side. I want to be honest. I have been a good mother. I pray for my children and taught them about God. I made sure they were tucked in and kissed goodnight. I made them good dinners and played with them. I have done many things right. God has blessed me with these children, and even though this has been a hard decision, I believe it is the right decision. God promises to always be with me and to give me wisdom. I can trust Him. There will be more tears tomorrow when I drop my children off at school. I used to think home-schooling was a moral issue. I used to think that if I didn't home-school, I was not being a really good Christian. I have learn much these past few years. My slogan is, "To each his own." God can use these grounded-in-God's-Word children in these public schools. They are lights in a dark place. God is faithful even when I have failed. He picks us up pieces and all and He makes ugly things beautiful. He takes a person with a humble heart and stands them on a ROCK. I am very blessed. Yes, tomorrow there will a lil more crying, but I will be fine after that. Thanks for listening and God bless all you ladies. Hugs, Kathi